Previously on Awkward...
On our right, we have the English Department.
Do you want to get out of here?
We've been texting each other every day.
She's really cool.
It's just a little catfishing.
It's totally no big deal.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I know you've been
avoiding me, and I'm just wondering why.
I'm adopted!
In the three weeks since my college overnight,
my one-night stand had blossomed into
three weekends of awesome.
Luke was perfect.
He was an adult.
I liked the person I became when we were together.
I was Jenna 2.0, a better, more evolved version
of the girl I'd been...
[Mooing cow ringtone] _
almost.
Hey, a couple of my friends are planning a road trip
to see Arctic Monkeys in November.
You want in?
[Cow mooing]
Right. Parents.
I keep forgetting you don't actually go here.
I'm guessing Arctic Monkeys are a no go.
What? Why?
I love the Arctic Monkeys.
Your parents would seriously let you drive to Arizona
with four college guys in a van?
My parents are super laid back.
They don't even like me to call them mom and dad.
They treat me more like a best friend than a child.
Well, I'll count you in.
[Phone ringing]
Hello.
Who is this?
Oh. Hi.
Yeah, sure.
Jenna, it's dad.
Hey, Kev.
How'd you get Luke's number?
I called the dorm and threatened to have him
arrested for kidnapping if they didn't hand it over.
What? Are you insane?
No, I'm a parent, and you're a child,
one who is 45 minutes past her curfew.
Get home now.
Oh, and Jenna, one more thing. Plan on a long night.
Your room's a real pigsty.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
[Cheering]
Dating a college guy made it harder
to get into high school stuff,
some of which I hated in the first place,
like being cheer bitch, but sadly,
while my heart was in college,
my head was stuck in high school,
and my face was target practice.
[Cheering]
Come on, Matty!
No guts, no glory, son!
Let's go!
Dude, the Maryland scout's watching you like a hawk.
That last goal was insane, man.
- No pressure, no diamonds. - Okay!
Our son set the record for most shots on goal
his sophomore year.
Yep, you told me that.
We've only got five spots on our fall roster,
but he's definitely a strong candidate.
All right, he's a McKibben!
So are they back together or what?
No, they hate each other, but they have to put on
a united front because they're McKibbens.
All right, Matty!
Make us proud!
[Whistle blows]
[Cheering]
Come on, Matty!
Come on!
Go, go, go!
Aw!
Damn it!
Go, go, go!
Get in there and do your job!
The Mr. PHHS Pageant is in five days,
and you still haven't printed the program,
finalized the sets, or talked lighting
with Theo and Cole.
I need rage management to cope with your stage management.
T, it's a fake male beauty pageant, not Broadway.
Relax. I'm on it.
The only thing you're on is Cloud 69.
Need I remind you that this is a major application
augmentation for you?
[Bell rings]
- What was that? - What was what?
I should go change.
You know how sweats make me sweat.
You said you were done catfishing.
I am!
Almost.
It's just...
Jake booty-texted me.
Tamara-me, not Autumn-me.
Well, technically, he booty-texted both of us,
but the point is, Jakara is back on track
to being the PHHSPC again.
The PHHS Power Couple.
Pause. Rewind.
Are you saying you want to get back together with Jake?
No!
Yes? Maybe.
So ditch the online persona and tell him the truth.
I will.
As soon as Autumn convinces Jake that Tamara has his heart
this catfish is fried.
That was a tough game.
I can't believe the scout bailed before halftime, man.
What are you so happy about?
Autumn.
Things are getting intense. I'm really into her.
You've never even met her!
She's probably a 45-year-old sex offender named Ralph.
No way. You can't fake that body.
If she wants you to wire money to her Nigerian uncle, bail.
Mommy, did you see my basket catch?
Humility, Lissa.
Oh, look at the time!
Tyler and I have a million things to do.
Bible study,
shopping for Mr. PHHS clothes--
So Sadie can take you home, right?
I don't have a car, and my guardian is a skankaholic
with a prescription pill problem.
Okay, great. Thanks, hon.
Bye, sis. Thanks for the cheer.
Bye, babies.
Get over it, Lissa.
The basket catch wasn't that good.
It's not that.
Ever since we adopted Tyler, he's all my mom cares about.
Now everything's all about Mr. PHHS
just because Tyler's in it.
Maybe I should compete so she remembers I'm alive.
Are you too busy with cheer captain
to study your SAT words, Lissa?
"Mister" means people with penises.
But I'm the one with pageant experience.
[Gasps] I could coach Tyler!
Mr. PHHS isn't a real beauty pageant.
It's a popularity contest.
Brian Woods won last year for shotgunning a soda.
I could take any loser in this school,
and beat you and Mufasa.
I told you, we call him Tyler, and you could not!
Winning any pageant takes way more than popularity.
Want to bet?
Loser gives up 40 bucks, plus their honor,
dignity, and self-esteem.
Go ahead.
Pick any guy.
Him!
- Oh! - Go ahead.
After you.
Uh, have you picked a talent for Mr. PHHS yet?
Well, we know it's not soccer.
Yeah, your parents seemed pretty intense.
Yeah, that's one word for it.
So I hear you're into older guys now.
What? No!
It's cool, if you're happy.
We're gonna be in college soon.
You might as well get a jump on it.
[Beeping]
[Line ringing]
Hey.
Why is campus so far?
I'm having severe separation anxiety.
Me, too, and I'm living off five-dollar foot-longs.
It saves me a ton of cash,
which is going right into the gas fund,
so I can come see you.
Speaking of which, Saturday is going to be awesome.
Snuggle down with some cocoa and watch Evil Dead.
I can't.
I'm stuck in PV this weekend,
stage managing a play.
Well, I'll come down, see you in action.
Thus far, all of the action between us
had taken place in the privacy of Luke's dorm room.
Our relationship existed in totally separate worlds,
and I liked it that way.
It's just some stupid high school thing.
So not worth the drive.
Well, then I guess we'll have to come up with ways
to make the distance less painful.
Sweetie?
Wow!
I had no idea it took 12 years to paint
the Mona Lisa's smile.
Neat!
Is that Luke? Hi, Luke!
Bye! He has to study.
We would love to see you again.
Are you coming to Jenna's pageant?
- Mom! - Pageant?
Mr. PHHS.
It's this goofy little pageant for the senior boys.
Jenna's dad was Mr. PHHS.
Ah, I see.
- It's lame. - I'd love to come.
Great!
Come by, and we'll all go together.
No, no, no, you don't have to.
- It's-- really-- - Sounds awesome.
Yay!
We'll see you on Saturday, Luke.
My relationship with Luke may have existed
in a separate world, but apparently
the planets were about to collide.
San Diego is so far away from Australia.
I get so lonely.
Aw...
Well, San Diego is close to Palos Verdes.
So close it's-- close.
You know,
I feel like I can tell you anything, Autumn.
Oh, me, too.
Oy, that's my oldies calling from the Outback.
Bye, schmoops!
Bye, boops.
[Bell rings] OMG.
Jake just invited Autumn to watch him in Mr. PHHS.
Great.
When Autumn doesn't show up,
Jake can finally move on,
and you can go back to acting like a sane person.
Well, sane for you.
Autumn would never flake on Jake.
She'll show, but have an unfortch ditch-sitch
due to a bad shrimp taco,
and instead of being all "Hey, hunk-show,"
she'll be all, "Hey, chunk-show,"
and she'll miss the whole enchilada.
It's lumpy, hairy, misshapen.
I just want to biopsy the entire thing
and throw it in a biohazard bin.
No.
I can work with this.
Drop trou.
Save me.
Oh, I won't ever get in the way of my woman
when she's trying to win a bet.
You're a smart man, Austin.
[Screams]
Your posture's okay, but you need more glide,
and you still need a talent.
What can you do besides live on a dollar a day?
I was the chancellor of the debate team
at my boarding school.
Have you ever seenDirty Dancing?
Pageant prep was in high gear,
and all I could think about was how this would look to Luke,
like a high school freak show.
Would he ever be able to see me as a sophisticated,
sexy girl again?
Hang tight, gents.
L-dog, A-train,
thank you for volunteering to decorate.
Those uptight PTA moms bailed when I refused
to ban the swimsuit competition.
All right, I got to go get this soul train back on track.
Return to formation, boys!
You were Mr. PHHS.
Go help.
What?
That was 17 years ago.
How could I possibly remember a silly dance routine?
Right.
Hot coals, hot coals--
Mind if I give it a shot?
Fine, be my guest.
These boys have no bump in their grinds.
All right. Let's do this.
Music!
[Hip hop music playing]
♪
[Cheers]
All right, now let's turn up the heat
and show them some sizzling steak!
[Cheers] Not bad.
Hey.
Sorry to bug, but have you picked a talent?
Yeah, I was thinking maybe stand-up.
If it tanks, I can always fall back on my Magic Mike stuff.
Stand-up?
That's more daring than stripping.
Can't wait.
Why are you doing stand-up?
You're an athlete, not a performer.
You're going to embarrass yourself.
Mom, this whole Mr. PHHS thing is a joke,
I'm not trying to win.
Then why are you doing it?
Why are you so worried about what I'm doing?
Because I'm your mother.
Yeah.
Luke was due to arrive any minute,
but I had a foolproof plan.
Hustle my parents out the door
and insist on taking separate cars.
What could go wrong?
Damn, lil' bitch.
You look like a sister wife.
[Chuckles]
Mom, what is she doing here?
Carpooling with us.
You know she can't drive after 4:00 PM.
Hey.
Oh!
- What are you wearing, dad? - What?
Honey, take it off.
You're gonna embarrass Jenna.
It's too late.
I'm not taking this off.
I think you're gonna take it off.
- No, I'm not. - Huh?
[Laughter]
Oh!
Hey, Luke. Welcome.
Hello, sir.
Luke had come to meet the adults in my life.
Unfortunately, I was surrounded by children.
Welcome to the 28th Annual Mr. PHHS Pageant!
[Cheers and applause]
I'm your MC, Tamara Kaplan.
I hope there's a dentist in the house,
because you're about to meet some major man candy!
[Cheers and applause]
[Hip hop music]
♪
[Cheers and applause]
Kyle, mess this up and I will make sure that
you never pop that pathetic man-cherry,
even when you're 45 and some crazy cat lady
is feeling horny, sad, and desperate.
Did someone call me?
Our first contestant in formal wear is Kyle Cohen.
Kyle has a passion for staying indoors,
tweezers, and smelling dead things.
[Cheers and applause]
[Hip hop music]
♪
Woo-hoo! Hottie!
Show us some skin!
[Laughing]
[Applause]
Tame down your Simon cowlicks because we've got
your PHHS idols.
Next up is our talent competition.
[Applause]
[Pop music playing]
♪
[Upbeat pop music]
♪ you're so cute I want to wear you like a suit ♪
♪ I think you'd look pretty good on me ♪
♪ you don't care, I don't care, right ♪
♪ I want to drape you across my shoulders ♪
♪ want you close to the bone ♪
[Cheers and applause]
[Pop music]
♪ listen for me ♪
♪ I'm falling for Autumn ♪
♪ and I cannot miss a single day ♪
♪ of Autumn ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
next up, Charles Tucker juggles.
[Applause]
Hello?
Hey, Autumn, did you hear my song?
I loved it.
I'd come congratulate you, but I'm not feeling very well.
Jake, could you hold on a sec?
What?
I have to go deal with a self-tanner accident
in the dressing room.
Please tell Theo no more strobe!
[Electronic dance music]
♪
Got it. No more strobe.
Autumn?
Jake, could you hold on just a tic?
Theo, kill the strobe!
The whole crowd's gonna have a seizure.
Really? Promise?
Tamara?
Sorry, there's a loud ginger at the sink next to me.
It's you.
Jake, no!
[Applause]
Hello, everyone.
I am your MC, Glamour.
All right, moving right along,
doing some raucous stand-up,
Matty McK-K-Kibben!
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, folks!
I am Matty McKibben.
Thank you.
As a senior, I'm approaching my college apps
the same way I approach a first date.
I put on a nice shirt,
I talk about how awesome I am,
and I drop 80 bucks just to get brutally rejected.
[Laughter]
Jake, wait!
Move.
Jake, just let me explain.
What could you possibly say,
other than you're totally insane?
You said you could say anything to me.
You said you've never felt so close to anyone.
I said that stuff to Autumn!
And I'm Autumn!
Did you not understand what it meant when I dumped you?
It's over, Tamara.
Yeah, turning 18,
it comes with a lot of responsibility, it does.
It is now our civic duty to vote,
fight for our country,
download porn without faking our date of birth.
[Laughter]
Oh, hey, mom?
What?
You didn't think that was funny?
Well, you know what is funny?
Huh?
Being told your whole life to act like a McKibben,
and then finding out you're not one!
Whoo!
My parents made me wonder for 18 years
if I would ever measure up to my gene pool,
but you know what?
It turns out I don't have a clue whose genes I've got.
That is fucking hilarious!
Matty, stop.
Hi, Jenna.
- Stop. - Jenna Hamilton.
Hey there, Jenna.
Come here.
Jenna Hamilton. Ain't she pretty?
Thank you. Hey.
Oh, yeah, do you remember when you went on birth control
and my parents called you a slut?
Oh!
That was good times, yeah,
or how about the time when they kicked me out,
and you couldn't take a dump for a week
because I was sharing your bathroom?
That was a-- [Fart noise]
- a gas! - [Audience groans]
How am I doing, mom?
Show us your balls!
[Laughs]
Matty--
Jenna, I didn't mean to--
It's okay, Matty. It's okay.
I'm sorry.
I am so-- I'm so sorry.
With Matty's dirty secret finally out in the open,
my high school drama had taken center stage...
and it turns out that Luke couldn't handle the show.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are down to just three finalists,
one of whom will claim the coveted Mr. PHHS crown.
Kyle Cohen, Tyler Miller,
and Jake Rosati!
[Cheers and applause]
Jake Rosati?
Last call for Jake--
Okay, in the meantime, one final question.
Tyler, what is your most cherished dream?
My dream is to be able to use my recent blessings
to get an education to enable me
to devote my life to ending misery and suffering everywhere.
Ugh!
Could he be any more cliche?
Well, I believe he's sincere.
Whatever. Get over it!
Kyle, for the crown.
Last night I had a dream I was eating sushi,
and when I asked what kind of fish was in it,
the waiter said it was human flesh,
and I liked it.
It tasted like ficken, you know, like chicken-fish,
and when I woke up, the bed was wet.
And the winner is...
Tyler Miller!
[Cheers and applause]
As much as I'd wanted to convince myself
that I was Jenna 2.0,
the truth was I was still just Jenna.
Hi.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the pageant,
but this is why I didn't want you to come,
because I'm still in high school,
and I have embarrassing parents,
and a ridiculous amount of ex-boyfriend drama,
and if you can't handle that, that's fine--
- Jenna,
I didn't leave the pageant because I couldn't deal.
Yeah, right.
I left because what happened to you up there
was kind of rough,
and I thought maybe you could use some cheering up.
Pumpkin spice, your favorite.
Wait.
I don't even know what to say.
I haven't been out of high school that long.
I haven't forgotten the drama,
and I wasn't nearly cool enough to stage manage
a male beauty pageant.
So you're not scared off?
You're going to have to try a lot harder than that.
I'm not going anywhere.
I like you, Jenna Hamilton.
A lot.
[Pop music]
♪